It's been a long, cold winter

You know how you get started on something and are really determined to stick with it? You know what happens at some point in the process.

Oops.

Here's a quick catch-up of the last two months for Ginger and I.

- We were in a community theatre production of Cinderella at the end of July. So July was a blur because of rehearsals, prop-building, singing, choreography and late nights.

- I turned 31. Ginger and I went out to dinner and the movies. I don't remember what we saw. I think it was good though.

Embracing older woman color- red.
First time I purposefully bought red. 

This is not trick photography. It was a GIANT pizza.

- I finished my nannying job and have jumped back into job-hunting for a better paying job or a second part-time job (I still work with the old folks most days).

- Ginger has been fighting major skin allergies for the entire winter. Culminating in several doctor visits and a temporary relocation for us.

- Ginger has realized (in the last couple of days) that he can't keep doing the work he's doing. That's what is causing the skin rash to stick around. Ugh.

- I have gone through 4 more cycles with no BFP. Not even a late AF. Double ugh.

- I started doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.

That about sums it up. There's just so much going on and I am hoping that things will settle down again and we can get back to something normal. But I realized today that I need to be writing. I need to get my words out somehow and this blog is a better venue than facebook. Hope to see you soon.

ps- I also started doing some research into essential oils and their effectiveness at increasing fertility and have been using them more in our daily living. More in-depth post to follow soon!

The Next Step

When you've been TTC for awhile, oftentimes it can be discouraging. It's discouraging when you don't get a positive result as quick as you thought you might. It's discouraging when month after month, nothing happens. The longer it goes on, the more easily discouraged you can get.

While you are happy for the friends and family around you who are announcing their pregnancies, having their babies and otherwise making the whole process look ridiculously easy, it's still discouraging.

When I get phone calls or messages from my family asking when they will be getting a niece or nephew, it's discouraging because I have to say "We're still trying."

The danger here is to fall into the thought process that makes TTC a chore, a burden and a heartbreaking activity instead of the intimate union between two people who love each other. It is hard work.

When you get to a certain point, you have to admit to yourself that you may need help to TTC. I came to that point last month and called my doctor to talk about the next step.

That's a really scary thought. Admitting to more than just yourself and your partner that you may need assistance to conceive is a terrifying thought and a brave step to take. As it is, there are a large number of people who cannot conceive naturally and do need some sort of assistance.

So I met with my doctor and talked to her. She gave me some information and reassured me that things will be okay. I went away from that appointment with two notes for blood draws on specific days in my cycle as well as a baggie with a container for Ginger to get tested as well. Last Thursday was the day. I got up early and got to the hospital to drop stuff off and get my blood drawn. Of course now the wait is killing me.

I don't know what it's like in the US, but here in NZ I had to pay for my doctor's appointment, but to get the testing done at the lab, we didn't have to pay anything. I simply showed up with my paper from the doctor and they drew my blood. Oh yeah, what they don't tell you- the woman pulled about 10 vials worth of my blood. She looked at my paper and turned to the wall and just kept pulling vials off the shelf. Laid them all out in front of me and I nervously asked, "How much are you taking today?"

"Oh, only about 30 milliliters." (Only about 2 tablespoons).

Still, having those vials lined up one after another with my blood in them sure looked like more than 2 tablespoons.

So now we wait. If anything shows up, then we'll be able to go from there. But if nothing shows, then it's another six months of trying before my doctor will order an ultrasound and scope out my lady bits. It's a slow process, but I am still young and there's still a high chance of us conceiving on our own within 2 years. So here's to waiting and the next step, whatever that may be.

Dreams

I had a really vivid dream last night.

It was Mother's Day, probably 12-14 years in the future. Ginger had brought in the gifts from our kids and I was looking at them before going to see my children. I had 5 children. Five beautiful, growing, healthy, bright, smart children. Close in age like I wanted, but just a couple more than we are planning on. 2 girls, 3 boys.

In my dream, I knew it was a dream, and my heart ached for these children.

Then it was the next day, a school day. We were outside waiting for their various buses to arrive and pick them up. Ginger came out of the house and started smoking ciggies with the neighbour. I found that appalling (and relieved to know he'd never smoke in real life) and felt annoyed and unsatisfied with him in general. This was a terrible feeling, I never want to feel that way about my soulmate. Silly dream.

While waiting for the buses to pick up my children, I took care to watch each of them, trying to imprint them into my memory. I failed, all I have are impressions of each of these dream children. The oldest is a girl- Erika, she reminds me a lot of myself. Dark hair, bold older sister approach. Henry James, the second youngest, blonde, bright boy with glasses. I like that name, Henry James. I never thought about it before, but in my dream it was like the name was being shouted at me. So that's going on my list of names for my sons.

Another son was in a wheelchair. With the work I do, I have come into contact with a few children who are handicapped and this has always been a thought of mine. What would I do if I have a child who has special needs? In my dream future, I do have a son like this. He is precious and I spent time in my dream kneeling down to talk to him and watch his face for a smile. It makes me cry now.

The buses came, the children left, but my second daughter came running back (ah the magic of dreams and the power to deny logic). She had found a packet at a shop containing a bit of lace that I had been wanting. She gave it to her dad and Ginger brought it to me. I knew what I would use that lace for, a pretty skirt for my baby girl.


And that was it...that was my dream this morning. Ginger came and woke me up before he left and I woke up sad that the dream had ended and I couldn't see my children behind my closed eyes. My heart aches for these children I don't have and I wonder if someday I'll be standing with them outside the driveway waiting for their buses to arrive and take them to school. I wonder if I'll ever meet my children.

It's a terrible thing to want something so much and not know if you'll ever get it. As we go into cycle 10 of TTC, I get more and more scared that something is wrong with either myself or Ginger. I shouldn't worry about it too much, but I do. Part of me really wants to call my doctor and seeing about scheduling testing next month if it doesn't happen this cycle, but then I'm scared to find out. The unknown is almost less scary that the known.

Race Day Results

Well, the weekend has come and gone and nearly come again. This past weekend Ginger and I ran our 5K race we had been training for. It went by very quickly and I was really proud of myself and what I accomplished that day.

We woke up early and got dressed and ate before heading into town to check in and wait for our starting time of 9:30 a.m.

Once the race started, we were off and I was determined to run as much as I could and to finish before the people who were registered as walkers for the 5K. I knew I wasn't a fast runner and I wouldn't come close to winning, but I wanted to finish it in under 45 minutes.

I finished the race in 39:04, Ginger was about half a minute faster. He could have finished it in well under half an hour, but he wanted to run with me. Awwww.

After the race, I got really sore and tired. But I have recovered and am back on the job of exercise and weight loss. See ya next week!

National Infertility Awareness Week

So I found out that this week is National Infertility Awareness Week in the USA. A friend of mine from college posted this beautiful blog post concerning infertility. I don't know if I am infertile, I've not had any testing done. What I do know is I've been trying to conceive for 9 cycles now and I still have no baby. It's never somewhere I thought I would be and reading about other people who struggle to conceive makes me realize that I'm not alone. We are not alone. We should not be ignored, our struggles should be shared in love and care, and our support comes from all over the world. So from the land of the long white cloud, I shout out my support to all couples struggling to conceive, whether diagnosed or undiagnosed infertile. Here's excerpts from my friend's post:

Also here is a link to her blog:

Love Found Us. 

Dear Friend,

So you're infertile, eh?  Isn't that such a gross word?  I feel like we should be so far beyond that word in this day & age but nope, we're stuck with it. What's annoying is that there are just as many infertile men in the U.S. but no one associates that word with them. Being infertile is like this HUGE word anchored to our uteruses sinking us deeper & deeper into despair. It's cold and clinical and even saying 'being infertile' makes me cringe because if I had the option I would just 'be' something else like maybe, you know, fertile. For some reason the word has become embarrassing in our society.  We whisper it to people when they ask us why we don't have kids. Often we don't want to admit that we are & end up saying things like, "in God's timing..." or "one day, we'll see!"  

........

.......
I promise one day you'll get to a point where you will accept it. You don't have to be happy about it, but acceptance is freeing. Whether you choose to not parent a child, pursue reproductive therapy or adopt, choose the path that makes you happy. Know that you belong to a community of so many women that know your struggle & are there to help you through it. Together, we're capable of more than we know.

Don't give up, ok?

With Love,

Infertile Myrtle

The Big Secret

There is something no one talks about when talking about starting a family. There's a big secret surrounding the journey towards a family of more than 2.

The big secret I'm talking about?

How hard and heartbreaking this journey can actually be (and often is for a large percentage of couples).

At first you're really excited about going off the Pill, or whatever form of contraception has been used in the relationship prior to this point. You start each day thinking, "This could be it. It could be the last month before we're expecting."

Then you start dreaming about how you'll tell your partner when that test comes up positive.

Full disclosure here: I bought a little book to give Ginger when I get a positive test result. I also may have a box of baby things and a secret board on Pinterest where I post important things for when we have a little one.

Yeah, I'm really wanting a kiddo.

Then those dreams grow to how you'll tell the family after the first trimester (I was planning on a cute Christmas card to both sets of grandparents...rhyming poem and all.) 

Then you start to doubt decisions for future plans. i.e.- Maybe we can't go to Hamner Springs because I won't be able to get into the hot pools. Maybe I'll have bad morning sickness and we shouldn't go on a trip 5 hours away in two months.

Seriously, it just escalates. 

Until you reach the breaking point. That point for me was this morning. 

I was convinced the last 24 hours that this could be it (not that I have any symptoms- I stopped symptom spotting months ago). My temperature was still crazy high, when it should have dropped by now, and I had a really vivid dream about taking a test. So with my temperature still high today, at 13DPO, I thought, let's do this and check. And nothing. That last test I had in the house that I had been holding onto for months now. Big Fat Negative.

Then it hit me, this was the last month where we could have had a baby this year. This was it. There's not going to be a Baby Brooks in 2014. 

I was pretty quiet about it after I went back to bed, but it was eating at me. I told Ginger on the way to church and cried a little bit. 8 cycles without anything is hard to deal with. I just don't know how I'm going to make it through to September if we still can't get this down right. 

Our timing is good, I'm eating better, exercising more and taking my vitamins, but damn, it really sucks that even with all this going in our favour, there's still only a 20% chance of it happening each month. 

So these are my fears. And as every cycle brings me closer to 31 years old, I am slowly freaking out more and more. It's not every day, and not even every other day. But there are days where I am scared this isn't going to happen.

I know my husband's fears here too- I know he is afraid of what infertility might do to our relationship. He knows how much I want to be a mother and how if we can't do it naturally, we won't really be able to afford anything else to help us. So this is it. If it doesn't happen, what happens to us?

I told him this morning, through tears, that even if we can't have a family, I'm sticking with him. I know that helped him.

He then told me that I can have lots of dogs if we can't have kids. That made me laugh. I'll be the crazy dog lady. That wouldn't be too bad.

So what do we do with the fear of how TTC could destroy us? Let it out, speak the words and hold each other a little closer. Because we are in this together and no matter the outcome, we'll still come out on the other side together.

Re-Fit to Pregnancy: Monday Stats

I haven't been on here for a couple of weeks. It's been rough. Fell off the wagon and trying to get back on it is hard. I want to be better, but I have to admit that sometimes I'm not able to keep going. But here are the stats, as of this morning, and we'll jump back into getting healthy and kicking butt to this extra padding I have been carrying around.

Arm: 13 inches (still)

Bust: 43 inches

Waist: 36.5 inches

Hips: 46 inches

Thigh: 26 inches (only one that went down)

The only good thing I guess is that my weight has been steady for the last two weeks. At 91 kg, I'm happy I've not ballooned up again. But I'm still 17 kg off of where I want to be. So we're jumping back into running (still training for that 5K in May) and I'm starting a new monthly challenge: it's an ab workout challenge. It's another find from Pinterest and I'll start that as I finish up my 200 Squat challenge.

In regards to the plank challenge- I quit it. I quit it hard. I made it up to 90 seconds (never solidly through, I had to stop a couple of times each time I tried it) and couldn't do more. Good news though is that the abs challenge I'm starting does planking as well, so I'll keep working on my plank.

I need to remember my ultimate goal: to be fit and healthy to be a mother. I don't want my kids to suffer the way I do because of food and my relationship with it. My relationship with food is unhealthy, and I'm working on it.

The food plan from Skinny Chicks Don't Eat Salads is hard to follow sometimes. There's so much more food prep involved, but I'm not having cravings for sweets quite so often (as long as I stick with the plan). I was a bit slack about it the last few days, but I can't give up on it. I can do better for myself. So here's to another Manic Monday and the decision to keep fighting for a healthier me and a brighter future.