Being Kind to Myself

In church today, my pastor said something that struck me. It was a simple enough phrase, and something that I am all too much aware of, but tend to neglect. He said, "The most influential person in your life is you. You talk to yourself the most and know everything about yourself."

You know what? It's so true.

With Ginger on the night shift, I spend a large amount of my waking hours alone. Of course I have an inner monologue going on the whole time. Sometimes I can shut her up with a good book, but not often enough. Thinking about what the pastor said today makes me believe that my inner monologue doesn't like me very much. She tells me that I can't lose the weight. That I should just give in and have a burger and fries. You'll never be as skinny as your sisters, so why try? Just don't go to the gym and if anyone asks, say you did. You don't deserve to be healthy and get a baby. You're too ugly and stupid for that.

Where did she come from?

Where did this mean girl come from and why did she decide that I was to be the center of her ridicule? I grew up in a nice household. My parents loved me (still do) and encouraged me to be independent. I recall moving to the beat of my own drum through my teenage years and on into college. I have positive friends and a husband who adores me. So why do I have this voice in my head that makes me believe horrible things about myself?

I honestly don't know. But I do know that I have to beat her. So when I feel like I can't win or can't do what I've set out to do, when I hear that nagging voice start to whisper, I shut her up. I tell myself that I am strong. I deserve to be healthy and happy. I deserve to be a healthy person so I can be an amazing mother, because I will be. One way or another, I will be a mother. I am loving and deserving of all the good things I have in my life and so much more.

It's hard sometimes, to be kind to myself. But I can only take it one day at a time. Right after I eat the last mini cupcake. :)

Fertility clinics and requirements

It's been an interesting route Ginger and I have taken so far in our journey to become parents. Interesting from my perspective as an American, in any case. In the US, it's very common to have insurance that pays for infertility treatments or for people to simply pay out of pocket for it. In New Zealand however, there is a national healthcare system in place. Among other things- all GP visits for under 13s are free (in my area of NZ), prescription medicine is subsidized (we only pay around $5 per script for Ginger, which is awesome considering how many scrips he's on), flu shots are free for a large percentage of the population, and there is a system for publicly funded infertility treatment.

Yes, you read that right. There is a way for a couple to get treatments up to and including IVF with ISCI for free. 100% free. It's mind-boggling to think about. But for Ginger and I, it's our only option.

I only work part time and Ginger works more than full-time, but we just make enough to cover our basics and add to our savings. Our savings have taken a few hits the last few years with getting married, buying a car or two, and Ginger needing to take sick leave from work. So our savings aren't what we'd like, our mortgage is still two years away from being finished and we're looking at the short end of a stick with wages. Without public funding, we can't proceed with infertility treatment.

After a referral in April and two more rounds of staph infections and antibiotics for Ginger, we have met with our doctor at Fertility Associates and have been processed for the waiting list for treatment. But guess what they didn't tell me. They didn't tell me that in order to be fully eligible, I need to lose weight.

It's been a heartbreaking couple of days since I got that bit of news and it's just that. Heartbreaking. I want to be a mother. I want to start the next part of our lives. But every time I think we've got it sorted out and will make progress, some other bump appears on that road. It's not a massive amount of weight I have to lose for them, but it's just hard to accept that this has to happen in order to even get on the waiting list. Which is 10-12 months anyway. It's so far away, I can't even touch it.

So I need to start making serious changes and this blog is going to be my journal. It's going to be brutal and not pretty. It's going to make me cry. Hopefully it doesn't make you cry too.

August 7th update:
       Weight: 92.1 kg
       Goal Weight: 87 kg (for the clinic), 75 kg for me
       Food diary:
             breakfast: 1/2 cup skim milk with 1 scoop of chocolate flavored health supplement
                         Verdict: Satisfying
             lunch: large salad of spinach, kale, mushrooms, apple, carrot, ham, boiled egg, flaxseed and
                  cheddar cheese
                          Verdict: Surprisingly satisfying and felt full all afternoon
             snack: handful of vanilla sugar coated almonds, my weakness
                          Verdict: I should have chosen plain almonds. But am weak with sweets.
             dinner: MacDonalds cheeseburger combo with cola.
                          Verdict: I undid all the good I had done all day. Was craving some serious salt and
                               carbs. Need to balance it during the day so I don't do this at night.
     Exercise diary:
             30 Day Shred after I had breakfast. Not bad, but could have done better.

What needs to improve? Well, it's just been one day, so it's hard to be judgmental right now. I know I need to be better about my food. I'll be doing some meal prep and planning this weekend to make this coming week easier to stay on track. I need to exercise every single day. Doing something, anything to get the blood moving.

So here we go. Ginger is going to help me and my sister is sending me information and a plan as well. Really have to be determined to lose the weight this time around because if I don't, we may never have a family and God knows how much I want that.