Dreams

I had a really vivid dream last night.

It was Mother's Day, probably 12-14 years in the future. Ginger had brought in the gifts from our kids and I was looking at them before going to see my children. I had 5 children. Five beautiful, growing, healthy, bright, smart children. Close in age like I wanted, but just a couple more than we are planning on. 2 girls, 3 boys.

In my dream, I knew it was a dream, and my heart ached for these children.

Then it was the next day, a school day. We were outside waiting for their various buses to arrive and pick them up. Ginger came out of the house and started smoking ciggies with the neighbour. I found that appalling (and relieved to know he'd never smoke in real life) and felt annoyed and unsatisfied with him in general. This was a terrible feeling, I never want to feel that way about my soulmate. Silly dream.

While waiting for the buses to pick up my children, I took care to watch each of them, trying to imprint them into my memory. I failed, all I have are impressions of each of these dream children. The oldest is a girl- Erika, she reminds me a lot of myself. Dark hair, bold older sister approach. Henry James, the second youngest, blonde, bright boy with glasses. I like that name, Henry James. I never thought about it before, but in my dream it was like the name was being shouted at me. So that's going on my list of names for my sons.

Another son was in a wheelchair. With the work I do, I have come into contact with a few children who are handicapped and this has always been a thought of mine. What would I do if I have a child who has special needs? In my dream future, I do have a son like this. He is precious and I spent time in my dream kneeling down to talk to him and watch his face for a smile. It makes me cry now.

The buses came, the children left, but my second daughter came running back (ah the magic of dreams and the power to deny logic). She had found a packet at a shop containing a bit of lace that I had been wanting. She gave it to her dad and Ginger brought it to me. I knew what I would use that lace for, a pretty skirt for my baby girl.


And that was it...that was my dream this morning. Ginger came and woke me up before he left and I woke up sad that the dream had ended and I couldn't see my children behind my closed eyes. My heart aches for these children I don't have and I wonder if someday I'll be standing with them outside the driveway waiting for their buses to arrive and take them to school. I wonder if I'll ever meet my children.

It's a terrible thing to want something so much and not know if you'll ever get it. As we go into cycle 10 of TTC, I get more and more scared that something is wrong with either myself or Ginger. I shouldn't worry about it too much, but I do. Part of me really wants to call my doctor and seeing about scheduling testing next month if it doesn't happen this cycle, but then I'm scared to find out. The unknown is almost less scary that the known.

Race Day Results

Well, the weekend has come and gone and nearly come again. This past weekend Ginger and I ran our 5K race we had been training for. It went by very quickly and I was really proud of myself and what I accomplished that day.

We woke up early and got dressed and ate before heading into town to check in and wait for our starting time of 9:30 a.m.

Once the race started, we were off and I was determined to run as much as I could and to finish before the people who were registered as walkers for the 5K. I knew I wasn't a fast runner and I wouldn't come close to winning, but I wanted to finish it in under 45 minutes.

I finished the race in 39:04, Ginger was about half a minute faster. He could have finished it in well under half an hour, but he wanted to run with me. Awwww.

After the race, I got really sore and tired. But I have recovered and am back on the job of exercise and weight loss. See ya next week!