Dreams

I had a really vivid dream last night.

It was Mother's Day, probably 12-14 years in the future. Ginger had brought in the gifts from our kids and I was looking at them before going to see my children. I had 5 children. Five beautiful, growing, healthy, bright, smart children. Close in age like I wanted, but just a couple more than we are planning on. 2 girls, 3 boys.

In my dream, I knew it was a dream, and my heart ached for these children.

Then it was the next day, a school day. We were outside waiting for their various buses to arrive and pick them up. Ginger came out of the house and started smoking ciggies with the neighbour. I found that appalling (and relieved to know he'd never smoke in real life) and felt annoyed and unsatisfied with him in general. This was a terrible feeling, I never want to feel that way about my soulmate. Silly dream.

While waiting for the buses to pick up my children, I took care to watch each of them, trying to imprint them into my memory. I failed, all I have are impressions of each of these dream children. The oldest is a girl- Erika, she reminds me a lot of myself. Dark hair, bold older sister approach. Henry James, the second youngest, blonde, bright boy with glasses. I like that name, Henry James. I never thought about it before, but in my dream it was like the name was being shouted at me. So that's going on my list of names for my sons.

Another son was in a wheelchair. With the work I do, I have come into contact with a few children who are handicapped and this has always been a thought of mine. What would I do if I have a child who has special needs? In my dream future, I do have a son like this. He is precious and I spent time in my dream kneeling down to talk to him and watch his face for a smile. It makes me cry now.

The buses came, the children left, but my second daughter came running back (ah the magic of dreams and the power to deny logic). She had found a packet at a shop containing a bit of lace that I had been wanting. She gave it to her dad and Ginger brought it to me. I knew what I would use that lace for, a pretty skirt for my baby girl.


And that was it...that was my dream this morning. Ginger came and woke me up before he left and I woke up sad that the dream had ended and I couldn't see my children behind my closed eyes. My heart aches for these children I don't have and I wonder if someday I'll be standing with them outside the driveway waiting for their buses to arrive and take them to school. I wonder if I'll ever meet my children.

It's a terrible thing to want something so much and not know if you'll ever get it. As we go into cycle 10 of TTC, I get more and more scared that something is wrong with either myself or Ginger. I shouldn't worry about it too much, but I do. Part of me really wants to call my doctor and seeing about scheduling testing next month if it doesn't happen this cycle, but then I'm scared to find out. The unknown is almost less scary that the known.

Race Day Results

Well, the weekend has come and gone and nearly come again. This past weekend Ginger and I ran our 5K race we had been training for. It went by very quickly and I was really proud of myself and what I accomplished that day.

We woke up early and got dressed and ate before heading into town to check in and wait for our starting time of 9:30 a.m.

Once the race started, we were off and I was determined to run as much as I could and to finish before the people who were registered as walkers for the 5K. I knew I wasn't a fast runner and I wouldn't come close to winning, but I wanted to finish it in under 45 minutes.

I finished the race in 39:04, Ginger was about half a minute faster. He could have finished it in well under half an hour, but he wanted to run with me. Awwww.

After the race, I got really sore and tired. But I have recovered and am back on the job of exercise and weight loss. See ya next week!

National Infertility Awareness Week

So I found out that this week is National Infertility Awareness Week in the USA. A friend of mine from college posted this beautiful blog post concerning infertility. I don't know if I am infertile, I've not had any testing done. What I do know is I've been trying to conceive for 9 cycles now and I still have no baby. It's never somewhere I thought I would be and reading about other people who struggle to conceive makes me realize that I'm not alone. We are not alone. We should not be ignored, our struggles should be shared in love and care, and our support comes from all over the world. So from the land of the long white cloud, I shout out my support to all couples struggling to conceive, whether diagnosed or undiagnosed infertile. Here's excerpts from my friend's post:

Also here is a link to her blog:

Love Found Us. 

Dear Friend,

So you're infertile, eh?  Isn't that such a gross word?  I feel like we should be so far beyond that word in this day & age but nope, we're stuck with it. What's annoying is that there are just as many infertile men in the U.S. but no one associates that word with them. Being infertile is like this HUGE word anchored to our uteruses sinking us deeper & deeper into despair. It's cold and clinical and even saying 'being infertile' makes me cringe because if I had the option I would just 'be' something else like maybe, you know, fertile. For some reason the word has become embarrassing in our society.  We whisper it to people when they ask us why we don't have kids. Often we don't want to admit that we are & end up saying things like, "in God's timing..." or "one day, we'll see!"  

........

.......
I promise one day you'll get to a point where you will accept it. You don't have to be happy about it, but acceptance is freeing. Whether you choose to not parent a child, pursue reproductive therapy or adopt, choose the path that makes you happy. Know that you belong to a community of so many women that know your struggle & are there to help you through it. Together, we're capable of more than we know.

Don't give up, ok?

With Love,

Infertile Myrtle

The Big Secret

There is something no one talks about when talking about starting a family. There's a big secret surrounding the journey towards a family of more than 2.

The big secret I'm talking about?

How hard and heartbreaking this journey can actually be (and often is for a large percentage of couples).

At first you're really excited about going off the Pill, or whatever form of contraception has been used in the relationship prior to this point. You start each day thinking, "This could be it. It could be the last month before we're expecting."

Then you start dreaming about how you'll tell your partner when that test comes up positive.

Full disclosure here: I bought a little book to give Ginger when I get a positive test result. I also may have a box of baby things and a secret board on Pinterest where I post important things for when we have a little one.

Yeah, I'm really wanting a kiddo.

Then those dreams grow to how you'll tell the family after the first trimester (I was planning on a cute Christmas card to both sets of grandparents...rhyming poem and all.) 

Then you start to doubt decisions for future plans. i.e.- Maybe we can't go to Hamner Springs because I won't be able to get into the hot pools. Maybe I'll have bad morning sickness and we shouldn't go on a trip 5 hours away in two months.

Seriously, it just escalates. 

Until you reach the breaking point. That point for me was this morning. 

I was convinced the last 24 hours that this could be it (not that I have any symptoms- I stopped symptom spotting months ago). My temperature was still crazy high, when it should have dropped by now, and I had a really vivid dream about taking a test. So with my temperature still high today, at 13DPO, I thought, let's do this and check. And nothing. That last test I had in the house that I had been holding onto for months now. Big Fat Negative.

Then it hit me, this was the last month where we could have had a baby this year. This was it. There's not going to be a Baby Brooks in 2014. 

I was pretty quiet about it after I went back to bed, but it was eating at me. I told Ginger on the way to church and cried a little bit. 8 cycles without anything is hard to deal with. I just don't know how I'm going to make it through to September if we still can't get this down right. 

Our timing is good, I'm eating better, exercising more and taking my vitamins, but damn, it really sucks that even with all this going in our favour, there's still only a 20% chance of it happening each month. 

So these are my fears. And as every cycle brings me closer to 31 years old, I am slowly freaking out more and more. It's not every day, and not even every other day. But there are days where I am scared this isn't going to happen.

I know my husband's fears here too- I know he is afraid of what infertility might do to our relationship. He knows how much I want to be a mother and how if we can't do it naturally, we won't really be able to afford anything else to help us. So this is it. If it doesn't happen, what happens to us?

I told him this morning, through tears, that even if we can't have a family, I'm sticking with him. I know that helped him.

He then told me that I can have lots of dogs if we can't have kids. That made me laugh. I'll be the crazy dog lady. That wouldn't be too bad.

So what do we do with the fear of how TTC could destroy us? Let it out, speak the words and hold each other a little closer. Because we are in this together and no matter the outcome, we'll still come out on the other side together.

Re-Fit to Pregnancy: Monday Stats

I haven't been on here for a couple of weeks. It's been rough. Fell off the wagon and trying to get back on it is hard. I want to be better, but I have to admit that sometimes I'm not able to keep going. But here are the stats, as of this morning, and we'll jump back into getting healthy and kicking butt to this extra padding I have been carrying around.

Arm: 13 inches (still)

Bust: 43 inches

Waist: 36.5 inches

Hips: 46 inches

Thigh: 26 inches (only one that went down)

The only good thing I guess is that my weight has been steady for the last two weeks. At 91 kg, I'm happy I've not ballooned up again. But I'm still 17 kg off of where I want to be. So we're jumping back into running (still training for that 5K in May) and I'm starting a new monthly challenge: it's an ab workout challenge. It's another find from Pinterest and I'll start that as I finish up my 200 Squat challenge.

In regards to the plank challenge- I quit it. I quit it hard. I made it up to 90 seconds (never solidly through, I had to stop a couple of times each time I tried it) and couldn't do more. Good news though is that the abs challenge I'm starting does planking as well, so I'll keep working on my plank.

I need to remember my ultimate goal: to be fit and healthy to be a mother. I don't want my kids to suffer the way I do because of food and my relationship with it. My relationship with food is unhealthy, and I'm working on it.

The food plan from Skinny Chicks Don't Eat Salads is hard to follow sometimes. There's so much more food prep involved, but I'm not having cravings for sweets quite so often (as long as I stick with the plan). I was a bit slack about it the last few days, but I can't give up on it. I can do better for myself. So here's to another Manic Monday and the decision to keep fighting for a healthier me and a brighter future.

Book Review: Skinny Chicks

A few weeks ago, I picked up a book at the library and thumbed through it. I thought, "Hey, this looks okay, I should give this a go." A week later I actually started reading it and it blew my mind.

Image via: Skinny Chicks

First off, the writer, Christine, writes in such a way that makes it easy (and funny) to read. She breaks down the information of her lifestyle food plan in a way that is simple to understand. When the boys I nanny asked me about this book, I told them about how she wrote about eating a whole cake in the middle of the night. They laughed and then told their mother they wanted to do the same.

Christine shared her own struggles with sugar addiction and carb cravings and really made it clear to me that what I struggle with is the same thing. Finally understanding that what I was eating was causing greater problems than I realised was the wake-up call I needed.

The flow of the book introduces the problem that many women have when it comes to dieting and trying to lose weight. She talks about the fad diets and why they don't work. She then takes each part of the food plan she follows and explains in detail why we should be doing this and what it does for our body. She builds it up so by the middle of the book, you're wanting to know what the food plan actually, literally is. This is the point where she shows a food plan to get started on (easily followed and substituted since I can't get certain items of food here in NZ) and even provides recipes for the meals that aren't terribly common.

Another aspect to this book is the stories from other women who participated in a 10 week program for the publication of this book. Their journeys are chronicled throughout the book to show you what is possible with this plan. I hesitate to call it a diet because she hesitates to call it a diet. I'm not cutting things out, I'm not starving myself. I'm simply changing how I look at food and what I put into my mouth.

The gist of it is to eat every 4 hours upon waking. For a typical day that means 4 meals. I've been doing this since Saturday (so 5 days now) and I have to admit I struggle to eat that much food. Four meals is a lot. But I feel more energetic, don't have sugar cravings between meals, and am sleeping better. I started this and got my husband on board too. Since he's not trying to lose weight, he's eating a bit more than I am, but he's not coming home starving from work or needing a snack at 10pm every night now. I'd say that's a win.

Each meal we have has 3 elements: protein, carbs and healthy fats. (Okay, sometimes not-so-healthy fats). Instead of having to weigh and measure out all the food, I can use my hands to get the right sizes. Protein should be about the size of your palm. Lean proteins win the game. So we've been having a lot of chicken. That's okay though because you can do so much with chicken! The carbs should be whole-grains and/or fruits and veggies. The portion for these should be about the size of your closed fist with your other hand wrapped around it. That's a big portion- this is where I struggle. Fats can come from olive oil for cooking, light spread, or some nuts or seeds used in the cooking.

There are also suggestions for what to order if you're out for a meal. This is great since my go-to has always been a cheeseburger and fries. Knowing that I can still get takeaway (although maybe not fish and chips for awhile) is a nice bonus.

It's been an interesting transition for us. I am forced to think more about the meals for the next day and prep everything for Ginger before I go to bed as he leaves before me in the morning. More prep, a bit more dishes, but I'm not having to cut everything I love out of our meal plan. I can still have cake if I want it. I can still have pizza (that's on the menu for tonight).

So if you're looking for a funny, light read about changing the way you look at food, I highly recommend Skinny Chicks Don't Eat Salads. If you, like me, struggle with emotional eating and a strong addiction to fast, greasy, cheesy and sugary foods, please pick this book up and consider what you're doing to yourself. Your body deserves to eat good food and feel better. I know mine is thanking me for this, and yours will too.

Re-fit to Pregnancy: Update 3

Well, I'm back around this week for my check-in. In review, this week hasn't been as good as it could have been. I did more snacking than I should have and ate a few more cookies than necessary. Another week, another chance to get better. I've been exercising pretty well though, and I think that is helping a lot.

Arms: 14 inches (lost half an inch)

Bust: 43 (another half inch gone)

Waist: 37.5 (down one inch)

Hips: 46 (down half an inch)

Thigh: 27.5 (lost 1.5 inches)

Weight: 92.5 kg

The winner this week are my thigh measurements. When I started out it was at 29 inches. Last week I lost nothing on my thigh, but this week it took a plunge! I bet it's because I've been doing running 3x a week.

Overall, not a great week, but not a terrible one either. I just need to work a little bit harder.

I started reading a book from the library this weekend. I'm going to review it once I've finished it, but it's called Skinny Chicks Don't Eat Salads. It's a really good read, actually, and I'm learning a lot about what I should be doing regarding my food and will be implementing it once I've finished the book.

What have you found this week to be inspirational?