On Body Image

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be one of those people who looks in the mirror and sees something completely different to the reflection? Well, I'm one of them. It's weird. It has been a problem for me for a number of years, and not in the way you expect.

This is the normal body image issue.

I look in a mirror and don't see myself fatter than I am. I see myself better than I am. I know I am curvy and have giant boobs and have too much weight around my stomach. I know it because I feel it. I feel the way my jeans cut in and the way my underwear rolls down because my stomach is too big. I know it because every few months I have to shop for a few things because my clothes don't fit anymore. I know because I choose to wear sweatpants and yoga pants more often than I do a dress. But I look in the mirror and I don't see that.

How weird is this?

I see it in pictures of myself that others take. I see what I should see when I look in the mirror. Sometimes I almost get a glimpse of myself, my real self in the mirror when I'm not concentrating, but that's all I get. A glimpse.

So this means I have been in denial for years about my weight.

When I moved to New Zealand in 2010, I had been living quite a healthy lifestyle. Yoga, gluten-free, lots of walking/biking. At that point I was at 82 kg and pretty happy with the route I was going. My goal then was 75 kg and I knew I could get there.

And here I am 93 kg almost four years later and I never got closer to that 75 then when I first landed here. Oops.

Today I came across a website called Model My Diet and it creates an image of you based on your measurements and body type. It also can create a model for your goal weight. Pretty cool for someone who can't imagine her current body image.

So here I am, as the program projects me. It's probably pretty close to reality.

I don't look too bad here.

Oh wait, there's the problem.

Seeing this shows me where I know I'm carrying my weight. But now I can see it. I mean, I can feel it too, but pictures help. I'm not brave enough to take pictures of myself in any state of undress for weight loss (besides, it didn't help anyway).

So that is at my current weight.

Here is my goal weight model.

Yep, still curvy.

Much more reasonable.

This was a fun little exercise to do while drinking my water today. (I was out for a bbq lunch and realized on my way home that I've not had any of my 2 liters of water today...I had a 6 ounce glass of tea and 1 pint of cider...oops again). I'm drinking a lot of water to get rid of my headache that I have got since I haven't had enough water today.

Just for giggles I plugged in what I would look like at 54 kg.

The last time I was this small was when I hit puberty. 17 years ago.

Trying to find a healthy body image of myself is hard work. Especially when the mirror doesn't match up to reality. What have you done to change your self image?