Being Kind to Myself

In church today, my pastor said something that struck me. It was a simple enough phrase, and something that I am all too much aware of, but tend to neglect. He said, "The most influential person in your life is you. You talk to yourself the most and know everything about yourself."

You know what? It's so true.

With Ginger on the night shift, I spend a large amount of my waking hours alone. Of course I have an inner monologue going on the whole time. Sometimes I can shut her up with a good book, but not often enough. Thinking about what the pastor said today makes me believe that my inner monologue doesn't like me very much. She tells me that I can't lose the weight. That I should just give in and have a burger and fries. You'll never be as skinny as your sisters, so why try? Just don't go to the gym and if anyone asks, say you did. You don't deserve to be healthy and get a baby. You're too ugly and stupid for that.

Where did she come from?

Where did this mean girl come from and why did she decide that I was to be the center of her ridicule? I grew up in a nice household. My parents loved me (still do) and encouraged me to be independent. I recall moving to the beat of my own drum through my teenage years and on into college. I have positive friends and a husband who adores me. So why do I have this voice in my head that makes me believe horrible things about myself?

I honestly don't know. But I do know that I have to beat her. So when I feel like I can't win or can't do what I've set out to do, when I hear that nagging voice start to whisper, I shut her up. I tell myself that I am strong. I deserve to be healthy and happy. I deserve to be a healthy person so I can be an amazing mother, because I will be. One way or another, I will be a mother. I am loving and deserving of all the good things I have in my life and so much more.

It's hard sometimes, to be kind to myself. But I can only take it one day at a time. Right after I eat the last mini cupcake. :)